In 1997 David Miscavige ordered me transferred to Cine by his brown nosing flunky Steve Marlow (who was a notorious member of the infamous Finance Police Scientology Gestapo and a general all-around jack ass in my opinion for blindly supporting the wrong side). Then DM started telling executives in my organization that I was "out ethics" because I didn't want to write his stinking, corrupt and off-purpose event (propaganda) videos. The idea was to force me to cooperate by bringing incomprehensible pressure on me. In short, he mobilized hundreds of people — literally — to haze me and make my life a living hell. After about a year of this, in 1998, I hit rock bottom. It seemed there was no way out. If I left, I'd be "betraying" all my friends and the organization I had dedicated my life to helping for 20 years, plus I'd lose my wife, be defamed, be declared and prevented from ever doing the OT levels (I thought). If I stayed, my life would continue to be a untenable living hell and in fact would get even worse. Many, many people did not survive that kind of situation. They just got sick and died. Or had an "accident" and died — like my friend Joe Harrison. A number of people there were chronically ill with cancer. Many people were chronically sick. Some committed suicide, like Stacy Moxon. Living in a toxic environment will do that. As I couldn't leave and couldn't stay, I started to wish that I'd also get cancer and die... and then I started thinking of suicide as a viable option. I got a razor knife and thought about how I'd do it.
But one day, I did mention this to an auditor. And she treated it as a withhold (which it was) and then addressed the root intention with FPRD tech. We located the purpose "to kill myself" and soon blew the purpose. From that moment on, the idea of killing myself was as foreign to me as it could possibly be. It no longer seemed like any kind of "solution" even remotely. It was just a heavy evil purpose that had been restimulated by the intense suppression of a suppressive group that I happened to be "trapped" in at the time.
I continued stayed there for several more years, trying various solutions to improve the scene and not really having substantial success. You can't change a suppressive group from within unless you are in charge. However, despite the on-going suppression that was even worse at times than in 1998, NEVER did I ever consider suicide as exactly what it is: an insane idea that had been given to me in a whole track incident.
I became unbreakable after that. Any solution is better than trying to destroy yourself. Some people destroy themselves through drugs or alcohol. Some by not taking care of themselves so they succumb to disease. Others might just end their life through direct means. Any idea like that is completely misguided and it is actually an evil purpose which is exactly what the FPRD resolves.
In 1997 David Miscavige ordered me transferred to Cine by his brown nosing flunky Steve Marlow (who was a notorious member of the infamous Finance Police Scientology Gestapo and a general all-around jack ass in my opinion for blindly supporting the wrong side). Then DM started telling executives in my organization that I was "out ethics" because I didn't want to write his stinking, corrupt and off-purpose event (propaganda) videos. The idea was to force me to cooperate by bringing incomprehensible pressure on me. In short, he mobilized hundreds of people — literally — to haze me and make my life a living hell. After about a year of this, in 1998, I hit rock bottom. It seemed there was no way out. If I left, I'd be "betraying" all my friends and the organization I had dedicated my life to helping for 20 years, plus I'd lose my wife, be defamed, be declared and prevented from ever doing the OT levels (I thought). If I stayed, my life would continue to be a untenable living hell and in fact would get even worse. Many, many people did not survive that kind of situation. They just got sick and died. Or had an "accident" and died — like my friend Joe Harrison. A number of people there were chronically ill with cancer. Many people were chronically sick. Some committed suicide, like Stacy Moxon. Living in a toxic environment will do that. As I couldn't leave and couldn't stay, I started to wish that I'd also get cancer and die... and then I started thinking of suicide as a viable option. I got a razor knife and thought about how I'd do it.
But one day, I did mention this to an auditor. And she treated it as a withhold (which it was) and then addressed the root intention with FPRD tech. We located the purpose "to kill myself" and soon blew the purpose. From that moment on, the idea of killing myself was as foreign to me as it could possibly be. It no longer seemed like any kind of "solution" even remotely. It was just a heavy evil purpose that had been restimulated by the intense suppression of a suppressive group that I happened to be "trapped" in at the time.
I continued stayed there for several more years, trying various solutions to improve the scene and not really having substantial success. You can't change a suppressive group from within unless you are in charge. However, despite the on-going suppression that was even worse at times than in 1998, NEVER did I ever consider suicide as exactly what it is: an insane idea that had been given to me in a whole track incident.
I became unbreakable after that. Any solution is better than trying to destroy yourself. Some people destroy themselves through drugs or alcohol. Some by not taking care of themselves so they succumb to disease. Others might just end their life through direct means. Any idea like that is completely misguided and it is actually an evil purpose which is exactly what the FPRD resolves.
There are always a million things to live for.
Where I stand
I am a...
Independent Scientologist
Pros and Cons (optional)
Pros
Can change a person permanently for the better, making them much kinder, stronger, more resilient and more self determined.
Cons
Includes pulling overts and withholds, so can be hard to confront unless you have a very safe auditor. And like anything else, it can be misused or misapplied to suppress people by pulling "withholds" that aren't really withholds and then digging for false purposes that aren't a "false" purpose — like wanting to leave the Int base due to abuse and profound suppression. The real overt of course would be staying there and supporting management and condoning their suppression.
Self Analysis (August 1951): Possibly the best introduction to the subjects of Dianetics and Scientology. Self Analysis contains both a series of essays on the basic discoveries Ron had made up to this point in his research as well as an extensive auditing section that a person can do by themselves right at home. The book contains a special version of the Hubbard Chart of Human Evaluation and a series of tests one can do to discover where you're really at. Then, by applying the processes from the second half of the book, one is guided through a path of self-discovery. At the end, you will re-do the tests to confirm your improvement. How good can you get? These techniques have been in use for more than six decades and Ron referred to them again and again throughout his research, stating that the processes here were capable of curing any neurosis.
This is the starting point for anyone wanting auditing. You will be audited by L. Ron Hubbard himself through the pages of this book.
Find a copy in used bookstores or at Alibris.com, Amazon.com, eBay. Or you can buy a new copy from these Church of Scientology organizations (but once you give them your address they may continue to send you junk mail) Bridge Publications or New Era Publications.
